“If you go on a bender and forget to SnapChat it, did it even really happen bro?”

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A local Bicton / Maylands man has made history this week by successfully completing his 74th / 16th consecutive weekend-long bender. Thought to be the result of a bitter relationship breakdown, Tom’s / John’s life has been spiralling out of control for all 40 / 400 of his SnapChat followers to see.

Bend-heir-in-waiting Baby Jean-Luc thought that Tom / John was part of the furniture at local night haunt Jack Rabbit Slims, although that might be due to Tom / John’s wooden complexion and frequent inability to move.

With his resistance to pingers / coke at an all time high, Tom / John has made the tough decision to take up full time work in a last ditch attempt to continue funding his amateur party boi god complex. Now stuck in that 9 to 5 grind, Tom / John eagerly counts down the hours until he can settle into his next Friday nosebeer in the comfort of his friends East Perth apartment / West Perth penthouse.

Despite the good times, carrying a “long hair, don’t care” attitude into every weekend has had its fair share of problems including throwing punches at a cop and kicking out the window of an ambulance / getting so bootzed that he sat down on a champagne flute which then shattered into his anus.

Stuck clinging to his teen sporting prowess as a PSA-educated State Water Polo captain / 1st XI field hockey player, Tom / John has taken up the noble pursuit of street hockey in the hope of hiding his worrying lifestyle from his parents.

– Article by William Flogner